I need a beer

Predictable puns don’t necessarily make bad jokes. Or do they?

Well I’ll tell you one thing that is a joke at the moment, and that’s the Australian selection policy at the moment. It’s like the hokey cokey. You put your Johnson; you take your Johnson out. In. Out. In. Out. You shake it all about. You do the hokey cokey and turn around. And still you’re going to lose the Ashes. Again.

Bad luck Ricky.

Third slip? Really?

So the bowlers have gone to Melbourne three weeks before The Collective arrive. They are there for a bowl off to decide who should replace Broad. The Collective has no view as the selectors have already rejected our varied fast and dark arts from the touring party.

But The Collective is today going to make a proclaimation about tactics: don’t put your wicket keeper at third slip.

Unfortunately because The Collective has no access to coverage we can only make assumptions without visual confirmation. But it seems obvious. Your wicketkeeper will drop stuff if they are not behind the stumps.

Jelly arms? Do be serious. This is a bowl off not a circus.

Happy now?

Sometimes a picture says a thousand words. In 2006 / 07 this picture would have been one of a grimly determined skipper destroying the opposition. Now it simply reprensents the happy state of bemusement that one assumes is going through Ricky “I’m the only good player in this team” Ponting.

Cut out, keep and put up by the desk of any Australians you know.

Do you like what we did Ricky?

We flippin’ murdered them

As Bumble once said, “We flippin’ murdered them!”

Only that was after we got a draw against Zimbabwe.

Not beating Aussie in Adelaide for only the third time ever.

Did I say beating?  I mean annihilating.

How about expunging?

Ill child in the bed #2

The necessary background: ill child is called Roddy Douglas.

Commentators announce that Bollinger is coming on to bowl.

“Ah!” I exclaim, quietly. “It’s Doug the Rug!”

Ill Child hears this, and protests: “I’m not a rug, I’m Roddy!”

Punching the air with an ill child in the bed

Title says it all.
Top marks to us for not swearing with it.
I mean, the first three overs.
Fuckadoodledo.

The first half an hour

What have we learnt so far?

• It won’t be like last time. Even the Straussian Offence has so far not proved to be emblematic of the rest of the game.
• The Trott Canyon is a geographical feature not solely confined to Lords. Has anyone seen a man take their guard more frequently?
• Australia are not McGrath and Warne. But then we knew that already, and that’s why we are so excited.
• Movember is a worth cause but makes you look a bit of a tool.
• Ponting is nervous and terrified.

 

And collective tweeting from The Collective at @IDLCCollective can be quite confusing, but please follow us.

 

No cheese discussions so far.

Win the toss and bat

Couldn’t ask for a better start than that, could you. And more than that it seems to The Collective that Ponting is proper rattled. Have you seen a man more rattled than that? Speaking more quickly than even that Laura woman from the Apprentice. He looks like he knows he is under the kosh and is about to get the sack. If he was batting now he’d probably be out first ball for an attempted slog sweep for six to deep midwicket.

The pre-match banter

Sky do a fair effort at Election Night fervour. Stock market graphics and Warney saying this is England’s best chance of winning. But sitting in my icy cold London flat, well let’s say The Collective are now genuinely nervous. Quivering with fear and excitement.

 

At this moment, The Collective is nominating Kevin “Who?” Doherty for the first test bunny. (God, he’ll probably take a five-for now).

The Collective returns

The Collective is a secret organisation. Befitting our agenda for victory over the Australians, The Collective has been melding into the background while preparing a plan.
Tonight we are ready. The Sleeper Cell has been activated. We are back.

 

Live blogging here. Follow us on twitter at www.twitter.com/idlccollective

 

And at unspecified time during the series The Collective will be going behind enemy lines.

 

Get ready.